This blog is really not the true topic you would be reading about (DIY stuff), but I need to get this off my chest. To make me sane again as a person. I am going to lay it all out in the open, which I rarely do (I feel like Jerry in the movie "Jerry Maguire" at this point ha!). Do you want to know what it is really like to be a first time mom? The truth not the "fluff" about how it is really hard, but the most rewarding thing EVER and so on and so on (it is rewarding, but there is more too it). Keep reading!
I have officially been a mother to a live male human being for 18 weeks & 4 days. In the books you read and in the clasess you are told that this thing called being a mom is HARD because you will be so tired with the feedings, putting the baby to sleep and blah blah blah...... Yes yes yes yes....I am tired & sleepy....with my son thinking I am an "all you can eat buffet" at 2 am & 4 am. Yes yes yes yes....I am frustrated that my baby doesn't want to sleep when I want him to sleep....these things really have a mind of their own. Yes...I am the mom experiencing all these typical things you hear & read about. But what you can't really prepare for the roller coasters you go through emotionally.
Today I realized that I have not been "me" in 18 weeks & 4 days. I have been just a shell of person...more like a robot/mommy slave with milk shooting out of its' chest. I know I am not suffering from postpardum depression, but what I do know is I am really unhappy of who I am right now. I am not the best version of myself to give to my son, my husband, my family and friends. What I am just trying to do is just get through each day. Hoping that I am survive and get through another day, which is very sad. To be living like that.
It is the same routine... wake up at midnight...baby goes nom nom nom. I roll over and feed...pat pat pat. He is done and back to sleep. 3 am again baby goes nom nom nom. I roll over and feed...pat pat pat and pray he wakes up closer to 7 am so I can sleep an extra hour, but no he wakes up at 6 am going nom nom nom. I feed and then just lay there dreading to get out of bed having to start the day. When I finally get the courage to get up now it is full time rush rush rush mode. I am running around with my hair looking like a nest in the kitchen thawing out pumped milk, brushing my teeth, & getting the baby's stuff ready for day care. I occasionally walk in too check on him. He is either sound asleep or smiling so big to start the day. I have no idea how this baby can be so happy EVERY morning! Because I am SOOOOO not! I continue to rush around the house. I put on half my clothes & makeup on. Then I hear in the background my husband getting the baby changed and dress for daycare. Whew....I think he will take the baby to daycare. I still rush around...I am finally ready to go to work with my pony tail and dull outfit. I don't have time to concentrate on my hair & outfit like I use too. Remember I am just trying to get through the day. I say bye to my boys and run out for my commute to work.
I get to work and rush rush there. I check my email and voicemail. Put out some fires and then on to the pumping room. To pump that oh so great milk out of my robot chest. I am in the pumping room playing Angry Birds and checking the feed on Facebook. Nothing exciting. I start thinking about why am I not pumping enough...my baby is going to STARVE! I am a bad mother....my baby is going to DIE. Yes...all this goes into my mind the short 15 minutes I am pumping. I finish up pumping and then I go back to work and then off too lunch. Now that is lunch what can I eat??? Oh no I can't eat that because baby will have gas or be cranky. I really don't want to walk to far because these heels hurt because I have been out of practice walking in them for a year. Anyways I get my lunch and eat at my boring gray cubicle desk and work. Again back to the pumping room....thinking about how my baby will die if I don't pump enough. I go back to work and pump one more time and then head out to go pick up my baby. This part of my day I really do look forward too. I get too see my baby. When I get to daycare I talk to my very awesome daycare provider. She tells me about how the baby did that day. I really eat up everything she says because I want to know how he did. I miss my baby. The small moment that I am happy because my baby is happy.
We then head home....waaah waah he cries. It is TOO hot in Houston! We get home...we let the dogs out. Walk around the yard watch them pee and then go inside. Nom nom nom baby is hungry. I feed him in my dull work clothes...he is done. I then put him in the swing while I get dinner ready. He is crying crying crying. He wants me to be near him. I tell him, "Buddy I am here you are not alone." He still cries. I walk up and stick his paci in his mouth. He is quiet and smiles. I walk away. He cries again. I give up and let him cry a little so I can make dinner and eat. Husband gets home picks up baby. I shovel my food in my mouth because robot mommy cannot enjoy her meals anymore. Then get baby ready for his bath and ready for bed. He finally sleeps at 8 pm. I wash dishes, bottles, and clothes. I then get all his stuff together for the next day. And I then take my long shower that I have been looking forward too ALL DAY! Yes....it is sad that one of the things I look forward to the most is my shower at night. This is the only time I can be alone and somewhat relax....key word "somewhat." I am in the shower thinking if the baby is crying or not and rush through that as well. It is 11 pm I am in bed. I am exhausted physically. I think at the end of each day...man this is a long day. I have to do it again...now I want to cry.
If you notice in my daily schedule. Not ONCE I think about me. I realized today. I don't EVER think about me. I know there are some sacrifices when becoming a mom, but you should never lose yourself as a person. Well I have. I don't think I can remember most recently that I am genuinely happy. Not a small moment of time that I was happy like when my baby giggle and smiles to me, but overall being happy as a person. I think as a new mom this has to be a common thing. You give give give give, but never let anyone give to you or give anything to yourself. We are so bogged down with the daily routine we forget to stop and actually smell the roses or in our case baby powder & formula.
Today I spoke to my husband about how unhappy I was. I want to feel emotion again. I want to be a person again. I want to give a crap about how I look and how I feel. I don't want to be feel like a shell of a person with no emotions just trying to get through each day. I want to laugh a real laugh. Not laugh just because I have too. I want to laugh so hard I pee in my pants. That is a real laugh. I want to fall in love again. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach when I see my husband. I want to have tears of joy when I see my son accomplish a milestone. I want to have a heart again.
So today....I am going to start living my life again. I have no idea how I am going to do this, but I sure am going to try now. My husbad made a great point...If mommy is unhappy then EVERYONE (husband, son, friends, family, etc.) is unhappy. It is so true. It is a ripple effect.
Don't get me wrong....I am IN LOVE with my husband and son! I would not trade them for anything in the world, but I want to be better for them. And I can't do that if I am not even here as me. I need to give the best version of myself and that should be a happy person who loves life and wants to share it with the two special guys in my life.
So I thought my first step to living is to express to the world (or blog world) on how I feel. There shouldn't be any hiding of it. We live in a world that everything should appear and perfect on the outside, but that is not the reality. I want to be "real" soooo "world here I am!"
Second is to ask support to help me start living. I can't do this by myself because I tried and failed. So I ask all my readers (the small group who is out there...ha!) help me out on how to do this. What can I do to start living?! I of course have to do this in baby steps. Please help! I know can't be the only one out in cyber world that feels this way. Being a numb empty shell. So please if you have any experience or tips on how to help me find myself I really really appreciate it!
Thank you for reading my LONG LONG rant....this was really for me to let it off my chest. I do feel much better. I think this was a great outlet for me to get it all out there. I think blogging not specifically my new mommy confessions, but what I am interested in general will make me feel better. I will have a sense of me again.
Disclaimer: If I have offended anyone I am really sorry. I just needed to let out what I am feeling. Thank you!
I have officially been a mother to a live male human being for 18 weeks & 4 days. In the books you read and in the clasess you are told that this thing called being a mom is HARD because you will be so tired with the feedings, putting the baby to sleep and blah blah blah...... Yes yes yes yes....I am tired & sleepy....with my son thinking I am an "all you can eat buffet" at 2 am & 4 am. Yes yes yes yes....I am frustrated that my baby doesn't want to sleep when I want him to sleep....these things really have a mind of their own. Yes...I am the mom experiencing all these typical things you hear & read about. But what you can't really prepare for the roller coasters you go through emotionally.
Today I realized that I have not been "me" in 18 weeks & 4 days. I have been just a shell of person...more like a robot/mommy slave with milk shooting out of its' chest. I know I am not suffering from postpardum depression, but what I do know is I am really unhappy of who I am right now. I am not the best version of myself to give to my son, my husband, my family and friends. What I am just trying to do is just get through each day. Hoping that I am survive and get through another day, which is very sad. To be living like that.
It is the same routine... wake up at midnight...baby goes nom nom nom. I roll over and feed...pat pat pat. He is done and back to sleep. 3 am again baby goes nom nom nom. I roll over and feed...pat pat pat and pray he wakes up closer to 7 am so I can sleep an extra hour, but no he wakes up at 6 am going nom nom nom. I feed and then just lay there dreading to get out of bed having to start the day. When I finally get the courage to get up now it is full time rush rush rush mode. I am running around with my hair looking like a nest in the kitchen thawing out pumped milk, brushing my teeth, & getting the baby's stuff ready for day care. I occasionally walk in too check on him. He is either sound asleep or smiling so big to start the day. I have no idea how this baby can be so happy EVERY morning! Because I am SOOOOO not! I continue to rush around the house. I put on half my clothes & makeup on. Then I hear in the background my husband getting the baby changed and dress for daycare. Whew....I think he will take the baby to daycare. I still rush around...I am finally ready to go to work with my pony tail and dull outfit. I don't have time to concentrate on my hair & outfit like I use too. Remember I am just trying to get through the day. I say bye to my boys and run out for my commute to work.
I get to work and rush rush there. I check my email and voicemail. Put out some fires and then on to the pumping room. To pump that oh so great milk out of my robot chest. I am in the pumping room playing Angry Birds and checking the feed on Facebook. Nothing exciting. I start thinking about why am I not pumping enough...my baby is going to STARVE! I am a bad mother....my baby is going to DIE. Yes...all this goes into my mind the short 15 minutes I am pumping. I finish up pumping and then I go back to work and then off too lunch. Now that is lunch what can I eat??? Oh no I can't eat that because baby will have gas or be cranky. I really don't want to walk to far because these heels hurt because I have been out of practice walking in them for a year. Anyways I get my lunch and eat at my boring gray cubicle desk and work. Again back to the pumping room....thinking about how my baby will die if I don't pump enough. I go back to work and pump one more time and then head out to go pick up my baby. This part of my day I really do look forward too. I get too see my baby. When I get to daycare I talk to my very awesome daycare provider. She tells me about how the baby did that day. I really eat up everything she says because I want to know how he did. I miss my baby. The small moment that I am happy because my baby is happy.
We then head home....waaah waah he cries. It is TOO hot in Houston! We get home...we let the dogs out. Walk around the yard watch them pee and then go inside. Nom nom nom baby is hungry. I feed him in my dull work clothes...he is done. I then put him in the swing while I get dinner ready. He is crying crying crying. He wants me to be near him. I tell him, "Buddy I am here you are not alone." He still cries. I walk up and stick his paci in his mouth. He is quiet and smiles. I walk away. He cries again. I give up and let him cry a little so I can make dinner and eat. Husband gets home picks up baby. I shovel my food in my mouth because robot mommy cannot enjoy her meals anymore. Then get baby ready for his bath and ready for bed. He finally sleeps at 8 pm. I wash dishes, bottles, and clothes. I then get all his stuff together for the next day. And I then take my long shower that I have been looking forward too ALL DAY! Yes....it is sad that one of the things I look forward to the most is my shower at night. This is the only time I can be alone and somewhat relax....key word "somewhat." I am in the shower thinking if the baby is crying or not and rush through that as well. It is 11 pm I am in bed. I am exhausted physically. I think at the end of each day...man this is a long day. I have to do it again...now I want to cry.
If you notice in my daily schedule. Not ONCE I think about me. I realized today. I don't EVER think about me. I know there are some sacrifices when becoming a mom, but you should never lose yourself as a person. Well I have. I don't think I can remember most recently that I am genuinely happy. Not a small moment of time that I was happy like when my baby giggle and smiles to me, but overall being happy as a person. I think as a new mom this has to be a common thing. You give give give give, but never let anyone give to you or give anything to yourself. We are so bogged down with the daily routine we forget to stop and actually smell the roses or in our case baby powder & formula.
Today I spoke to my husband about how unhappy I was. I want to feel emotion again. I want to be a person again. I want to give a crap about how I look and how I feel. I don't want to be feel like a shell of a person with no emotions just trying to get through each day. I want to laugh a real laugh. Not laugh just because I have too. I want to laugh so hard I pee in my pants. That is a real laugh. I want to fall in love again. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach when I see my husband. I want to have tears of joy when I see my son accomplish a milestone. I want to have a heart again.
So today....I am going to start living my life again. I have no idea how I am going to do this, but I sure am going to try now. My husbad made a great point...If mommy is unhappy then EVERYONE (husband, son, friends, family, etc.) is unhappy. It is so true. It is a ripple effect.
Don't get me wrong....I am IN LOVE with my husband and son! I would not trade them for anything in the world, but I want to be better for them. And I can't do that if I am not even here as me. I need to give the best version of myself and that should be a happy person who loves life and wants to share it with the two special guys in my life.
So I thought my first step to living is to express to the world (or blog world) on how I feel. There shouldn't be any hiding of it. We live in a world that everything should appear and perfect on the outside, but that is not the reality. I want to be "real" soooo "world here I am!"
Second is to ask support to help me start living. I can't do this by myself because I tried and failed. So I ask all my readers (the small group who is out there...ha!) help me out on how to do this. What can I do to start living?! I of course have to do this in baby steps. Please help! I know can't be the only one out in cyber world that feels this way. Being a numb empty shell. So please if you have any experience or tips on how to help me find myself I really really appreciate it!
Thank you for reading my LONG LONG rant....this was really for me to let it off my chest. I do feel much better. I think this was a great outlet for me to get it all out there. I think blogging not specifically my new mommy confessions, but what I am interested in general will make me feel better. I will have a sense of me again.
Disclaimer: If I have offended anyone I am really sorry. I just needed to let out what I am feeling. Thank you!
Hang in there sweetie, I am a mom of 5 weeks, and I understand what you mean. It's like I've lost me in all of this. I think what you are feeling is totally normal, don't feel badly about any of it. It is such a huge change, and I feel like bessie the moo cow too. I don't know if you have someone that can watch your little one, but getting out of the house once a week does wonders for me. Last night we went to Lowes and Walgreens and you would have thought that it was the most romantic date ever. Just getting out for a couple of hours makes such a difference. Hang in there, pray that God gives you what you are missing, and keep communicating with your husband. It sounds like he is very sweet and supportive. I'm so sorry you are having troubles!
ReplyDeleteLiz,
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this and being so honest. And don't apologize for your feelings! It's very hard and sometimes people think that when you're in the glow of new motherhood everything is just roses and sunshine. I was feeling the same way until Sophia was 4 months. I finally decided when she turned 4 months that I was going to wean her off the breast. That was one of the best decisions I have made. I'm not sure what your feelings are about this but that one thing made me so much happier. I had my body back and I wasn't attached to the pumping machine at all times. Sophia is thriving on formula and she started sleeping through the night immediately. Anyways, I just wanted to share one thing that worked for me. I know we don't know each other but I'd really like to get together for lunch or something one day. We are both going through the same thing and maybe just by commiserating with each other we can make each other feel better.
awwww liz, i really do know what your going through. around 4-5 months right before i could start feeding kolten food, i got overwhelmed. i started a new job (i was very unhappy at my other), kolten was teething, my daycare shut down, my new babysitter was secretly trying to bank rob me so i had to find another, all within a matter of weeks! o yes and dontre went out of town for two weeks for school. i was completely lost in myself and a single mom for a while. then i realized, we have to split up the task at home, HAVE TOO. i used to come home, make dinner, clean bottles, feed, feed, feed, give kolten a bath, then me a bath, then make my lunch (which i hate) then clean the kitchen, bed by 12.......TOO MUCH!!!!!!!! so now that kolten is eating my day goes more like this: i take kolten to daycare in the morning, pump at work (which sucks), he picks him up, i get off at 7 pm, go home, feed kolten once when i get home, take a shower while dontre is cooking, then i give kolten a bath while he's cooking, enjoy my food because kolten is happy, then get in bed by 830 or 9 and nurse kolten to sleep. hes out by 930 then we have alone time for 2 hrs or so (which in that time you can pump if you have to). I think if you split up the task more it will work better. i promise jett is in a growth spurt, it WILL end. start foods now, he's ready if hes so hungry. let mike do the feeding of food while you pump. then jett will be happy while you go have some you time. OR put jett in the bumbo on the kitchen counter and feed and cook at the same time when he starts solids. your right next to him and he's eat and your cooking. and honestly, ever since i started my new job that i LOVE, I WANT to look nice, and CARE about myself and appearance more than ever, because i have a profession i care about. unlike my old job, i looked like a bum and didn't care. im happy to go home, but happy the next morning at 5 am because work isnt so bad. so it drives me to get up and get ready (i feed kolten while im doing makeup- he lays in my lap and i have everything i need to get ready except clothes) maybe the unhappiness at work is draggin you down:( love you! here if you need any help at all!
ReplyDeleteyou are typing from the hearts of many moms. I think alot of it has to do with the pressure we put on ourselves. organic this, educational that...in the end your love for him is what he will remember. not if you breastfed him for a year or that you let him cry for a few min to slap on some makeup. the way you get your life back is by getting your mind back. I know you want to be the best mother possible but he will love you no matter what you do. he wont hate you for giving him formula or sending him off to a sitter for a night out with friends or hubby. Dont be too hard on yourself, it takes time to adjust to such a big life change and that fact is, you are a diffrent person but that is the beauty of it all. again, you are on the right track things will get easier and as he gets older he wont want to be attached to your hip
ReplyDelete-Sonya Hall
Amen sister! Being a mom is hard ass work and because we give, infact I believe the definition of mom is loving provider, it is tough to think about ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI felt like this for the first few months of Gia's life. I felt overwhelmed and trapped, especially with Brandon gone. Over time it has gotten better and "easier". I think the big thing that has helped me is to set up time to take to myself. Next week I'm going to wash my car...like 10 days from now and I'm so looking forward to it. I think pure alone time and date nights with hubby are VERY important to life to keep that connection and quite frankly your sanity! And some people would look at something like this and think "OMG how could she e en say those things?". HOT TIP: TOTALLY NORMAL!!! This job as a mom is hard, it's the hardest thing we will ever endure. Luckily it's just as rewarding. Hang in there my friend! I wish I was closer!
Hey Liz! I too understand completely! My world changed durasticly after my first! I remember the stress of wanting the best for her. I overanalyzed EVERYTHING! Everything I did, bought, talked about, and went revolved around her...UNTIL it became overwhelming. This may not be an option for you, but after four kids, I can tell you the hardest part of babies is breastfeeding! I love it, think it is the best for the baby, and would recommend it to everyone, but it can steal your identity in a few short months! I lasted six months with my first, only because I worked nights, as soon as I had to be at work by 7am I dropped it. And let me tell you I dropped the biggest load off my shoulders! My hubby was feeding the baby at night instead of me, and honestly she seemed to last longer on formula! There is such pressure on women to nurse, but I think you have done great if you have made it this far! Maybe consider half and half? I hope this won't offend you in any way! By the way, you are beautiful and so is that baby boy!! Good luck! It will get better, I promise! Just wait til solids start, feeding will be a breeze! Then you will want another bundle...and another...and maybe just one more, cussing you fingers for a girl ;)
ReplyDeleteP
Oh ya meant to add take him out and enjoy that perfect little man! I think that's a big thing here. It's constant routine but as soon as you pick him up it's your happiest moment! Call in sick to work one day, they won't miss you for one day ;). Take J to the park, swimming, the zoo. Wherever. Enjoy him and all that he is. The busyness of your life has taken over and that is what has taken the joy away. He's in love with you mommy, don't ever forget that!
ReplyDeleteMichelle....yes you are so right. I do need a couple of hours just to get away. I know it would make a difference. I just need to let go. It is so tough when you are EBF. I just need to do it.
ReplyDeleteHaydee...I would really like that. I think BF really the pressure of it all has really stressed me out. Especially since Jett is going through a growth spurt right now. I was so lost. Just the other day I just started to supplement, which I felt a lot of pressure off my shoulders.
Traci....yes, I really need to find something to look forward too. I am hoping I can find my true calling soon. Mike and I have dicussed what we need to do to arrange our schedules to work. I love reading your schedule. Gives me an idea on how to split it up.
Sonya...you are so right! Great way of looking at it. Thank you....great great tip!
Sarah...I wish you were closer too! Ha! Gah I want to wash my car now! Well at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel
Olivia....thank you. Not offended at all! It is great to hear what all mommies who have gone through it that it gets better.
Thanks ladies for all the tips.
Please keep them coming. I need all the ideas I can get
I was trying to add a P.S. when my phone went coo coo...so...as I was saying
ReplyDeleteP.S. Date nights are amazing for the soul! Don't worry about any feeding or pumping or starving babies, just grab some premium lipil, book a sitter, and enjoy that hubby you fell in love with!
I'm a mommy to an eight year old and five month old. My advise for you is to find something that will be just for you and make you feel good then commit to doing that thing 3-4 times per week. When you feel happy the rest will follow.
ReplyDeleteFor me that thing is running. I run 3 times a week on my lunch break with some awesome friends I met that work near me. Then one morning either Saturday or Sunday I slip out of the house leaving the kids with dad and I go for a long run with a running mons group I met. Thus gives me about 3 hours for me and keeps me sane all week.
Find something for you and know that eventually your sweet little not will sleep and you will feel better. It's okay to ask for help and know that you are not alone there are lots if us mommys who know how you feel!
This could have been written by me a year ago, even down to the thoughts while pumping. I was a shell of a person trying so hard, too hard, to give 100% as a mom, wife and employee and my own self just didn't fit into the equation. I harbored resentment toward everything that kept me from my little boy and in the end, my work performance suffered, there was tension between myself and my husband and I felt like my son was missing out on the happy woman he was born to. My 1 hour commute home every day was almost always spent in tears and if I tried to schedule some "me" time anywhere, I felt guilty, worried that I was being selfish.
ReplyDeleteI finally came to a realization that I simply couldn't live like this anymore, as it wasn't fair to everyone in my life or own well being. So I did my best to make peace with how my life was. I let go of the stress toward pumping and somehow convinced myself to just trust that my body would make enough milk... and it did. When it came to night nursing, I accepted it as a way for my son to cuddle with the mommy he doesn't get to see during the day and I was able to wake up at 3am without feeling resentment or frustration. I also reminded myself that he wasn't going to do this forever. And he eventually started STTN.
My husband and I agreed to put off laundry for the weekends, and we split up the dinner cooking duties and ordered take-out a bit more often. When we both got home from work every evening, we didn't want to have to spend it doing household chores. Sure our house is always a little messy, but it's just not important anymore when there's a little boy to play with.
I also tried to take a little time for myself every day. Sometimes I would get a cheap mani/pedi during my lunch break or sit down with a good book after my son had gone to bed. Even just a few minutes talking with my husband about the new things our son was doing seemed to give me a little peace. I took longer showers, trusting that if my son cried, my husband would comfort him. I also scheduled some time with fellow mommies so we could vent our frustrations to each other. Just knowing that I wasn't alone in my unhappiness made me feel a lot better.
It's going to take some time to be fully content with everything, having a baby is a massive life change... more huge than we could ever fathom. But a little bit every day will help and soon enough a new version of your old self will be back. Lots of hug to you!!
I am trying to NOT tell you it is normal because I don't think that helps being told that. All I can tell you is that it is going to take a while to get into the swing of things. I had a friend tell me that the first 6 weeks of a baby is the hardest, then the 2nd 6 weeks is the 2nd hardest, 3rd six weeks is the 3rd hardest.....meaning its hard, but gets easier. It gets easier because the baby will not eat so often, get put on solid foods, also gets easier because you get used to thinking and doing everything you need to do to take care of a baby. I will tell you that it is SO HARD with the first one because there is no end in sight! Since it's your first time, it seems like it will never be easier. I had serious post partum and did not like my baby and wished him away because I was so overwhelmed. It seemed like all the moms around me had it together and I was a mess. Truth was that they all thought that way about me and all the other moms too. WHen talked to a brand new mom months after my oldest was born, I would ask them how it all was going. Of course they would say "great!" and I would think to myself... "you liar! It sucks! This sucks and is hard and I hate being a milk machine and always having to pass up things because I have to sit on the sidelines caring for a newborn that does nothing I want it to do when I want it to do it!"
ReplyDeleteYOU CANNOT BE EVERYTHING AND DO EVERYTHING! Stop beating yourself up because of not enjoying breast feeding, stop putting preasure on yourself to do everything that you think you should be doing. It is not the end of the world of your baby gets formula. You are not an awful mom if you stop nursing. You are not an awful mom if he goes a day without a bath because you are just too tired and don't feel like it. You are not a failure of a mom if you just decide you need a shower and need to fix your hair and let him cry in his room while he waits for you to do that. THere are times I just need a few moments and a good friend told me that if your baby is fussy and won't let you wash your hair and you are feeling icky, put your baby in his crib, let him fuss, and wash your hair. If you hear him fussing, turn on the radio to drown him out and let you escape for 10 minutes. She then told me---he isn't going to explode if you do that! He isn't going to hate you at 18 because you let him cry for 10 minutes. It is so true and that advice helped me take a few minutes each day for myself no matter what!
After 8 months of feeding every 2 hours even thru the night with my first, I literally went insane and had to go on meds. The lack of sleep drove me over the edge and put a major strain on friendships (I lost alot of them) and my marriage. Because I felt that if I didn't nurse, the world would judge me and I would fail my child that I literally let myself go nuts. I should have just done what was best for my mental health and had my husband help with night time feedings long before 8 months old when I started feeling what you are feeling now and that is what I think you should do first. And I am telling you to do that starting tomorrow night. Give your husband a bottle, go in a seperate room, close the door, and sleep thru the night. You HAVE to get some sleep! Before you do that, you can give yourself a good cry, let it out, then go to sleep and wake up feeling rested. Then email me if you need anything else but I know you have lots of other friends too!
I seriously don't know how people manage with working full time when they're still getting up through the night. You've done amazingly to breast feed for as long as you have. I would totally have started supplementing too. Not pumping means you'll have more time with your son and you might get longer between night-time feeds as well. Having a happy mum is definitely the most important thing for your LO right now.
ReplyDeleteRelaxing about breast-feeding and getting more sleep will help you feel more human. What about scheduling some beauty treatments, going shopping (for things for not LO), blocking out some time to read magazines, having a duvet day at weekends as a family. Good Luck. I'm sure things will start getting easier.
I completely understand how you feel. Not a day goes by that my husband doesn't say how much he misses me. He doesn't mean he wants to spend more time together, he means he misses ME, the person I was before our son was born. I miss me too. It's hard to explain how you can feel so empty when you have a baby you adore. But it is precisely that all-consuming love and devotion to this little person that makes you feel so trapped. I feel held hostage by my love for him. We struggle all the time to try and find balance for me but after 6 months I still haven't figured out how to get that. So instead, I am the robot you described, making it thru each day, giving over every last drop I have left in me, running on fumes and continuing to miss myself and the life I had but at the same time never wanting to give up the moments I have with my son. I have no advice for you because I just as lost. I hope we can both find our way again soon!
ReplyDeleteLiz,
ReplyDeleteI think you know that you are not the only one going through this! I feel great now, but the feelings you describe come and go for me. I have a few things that help when I start to fall into the "unhappiness." When I pump at work I read a book, even for just the 15 minutes. It keeps me from thinking about anything, it makes the pumping go faster, my supply stays up because I'm not obsessing about it, and I resent the whole process a lot less. Second, I go on a date with my husband. It doesn't have to be anything special, but we get dinner, go to a movie, visit friends, etc. Third, I stop everything and cuddle/play with the baby. If Preston is in a good mood, I forget ALL else and play with him until he's not anymore. I don't care if I have a weeks worth of laundry to fold - it can wait. Playing with the baby instead of doing a chore feels awesome. And then when you are feeling better, you can get back to the chore.
I think you should have a major kick-off to this new you! Go buy yourself a great outfit, get your nails done, and go on a date with your husband! From there, you can take it small steps at a time.
I think it's awesome that you recognize what you are going through, and are taking steps to get happy! It's so important!
Best of luck!
I went through this for about the first year. I think I finally learned how to be "me" again. And its very simple. I know being a mommy is hard, but you have to make time for youself too. YOu dont want to pry yourself away from the new baby, and its hard and you feel guilt when being away for more time than you have to. But start with something simple. Once a week, or even once a day-- Get out. For one or two hrs. Just you alone, no hubby, no baby, just you. Take the dogs for a walk, go get a 30 min massage. pop in the headphones, soak in a bath, just something simple. You alone for 1-2 hrs. slowly this will become a routine, once a day or twice a week. Just you alone. And you will start to slowly rekindle the love with yourself. But start off slow. And remember the extra hr or two away from baby will only make you a better mother to your son, so try not to think about the guilt you may feel.
ReplyDeleteLiz,
ReplyDeleteI know we don't know each other that well, but I think this is an important post to respond to. After I had Colt, I felt very similar to you. The only difference was that I kept getting worse and worse. I finally went to the doctor when Colt was 4 months old and was diagnosed with moderate to severe post partum depression. I did end up going on an antidepressant and doing group therapy. I felt like the therapy helped me so much because just hearing that other moms had the exact same feelings I did made me feel like less of a freak. I felt such a relief knowing I was not alone and that I was not a terrible mommy. It slowly got better over time. By the time he was 1 I had weaned off of the medication and felt so much better. Thank God for such an awesome husband because he was always trying to get me to go have a little "me" time. Just doing the occassional date night or girls night out made a huge difference. I would also go get a pedicure or pick out a new book. The little things like that started to make me feel better. Once he starts sleeping throught the night it will make a monumental difference too. When you are that sleep deprived, it makes your whole outlook gloomy. He will probably start doing that when you can introduce cereal and baby foods at 4 months. Hang in there!! It will get so much better over the next few months. Jessica Bailey
Wow - great post. I am a mom of a 3 week old and I have very similar feelings. Why dont you formula feed? Then your husband can help at night and you dont have to feel like a robot and be a slave to pumping/feeding. FORMULA IS FINE. It helped ease a lot of my anxiety and stress. A lot.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this right now. At the moment I'm going through a similar stage as what you went through. I've been unhappy since the moment my daughter was born. She's now 7 months. Everyday I tell myself that it'll get better and set my mind to ensure that I do everything I can to make the baby happy so then I too can be happy, but I fail each time. I've had problems with her from the very beginning. Atm she doesn't really like eating solids, we've tried a couple of vegetables and she doesn't seem to like anything unless mixed with baby cereal. She doesn't drink from the bottle and have wanted to mix feed her since she was three months but struggled as she doesn't take the bottle not does she like formula.
ReplyDeleteHer sleeping routine is also a nightmare. By this stage I thought she'll be sleeping through the night but unfortunately she wakes up in her crib crying just for you to tap her back to sleep and at times feed her of she's hungry. She wakes up about 4-5 times a night. 3 times is a good night for me. I'm going back to work in 2 months and I'm having anxiety attacks knowing that I have to leave her, not because I won't get to be with her all day but the fact that she might not be eating or drinking anything while I'm away working. Just reading back at what I've been writing depresses me even more. I've totally lost myself and really dislike my life right now to the point where I'm questioning how much I love my husband and daughter. I don't want this life anymore and I know it's harsh for me to say it but its the cold hard truth.
Like I said, I keep thinking everyday would be a better day but it keeps getting worse. I've been fighting a lot with my husband as I take my frustrations out on him and he's always telling me that I'm never myself when I'm around him and our baby which is true and I admit that I am different. I cry almost everyday just thinking about it.
I don't know what to do, I'm just not happy but reading your post has made me realise that I'm not alone.
It's hard also since none of my friends have babies so its hard to relate to them. Although the mothers I know have angelic babies and seem to be doing everything right.
Anyways sorry to vent but I really needed to.
Hope things with your son are all good now!
Ditto to the above!
ReplyDelete