Friday, July 27, 2012

This is me coping & grieving....

I have used my blog once before to vent, but never too grieve. I feel like this is the best time and outlet to help me do this at the moment. I need this to help me cope with my emotions I am experiencing right now. Well I hope it helps. Just a heads up this post is about my two failed pregnancies this past year.

The 5 worst dates of my life of 2012.....

February 15, 2012: We were so excited about this pregnancy. We had taken Clomid again and gotten pregnant on the first try like we did with J. We felt truly blessed and was thrilled about our 2nd baby and for our son to be a big brother! We even announced before the weekend of this date at our son's 1st birthday party that we were expecting baby #2. BIG MISTAKE.
I would be about 8 weeks at this point. On this date we went in for our first ultrasound. There was nothing in the gestational sac. No fetal pole, no yolk, no nothing. It was completely empty. I had what they call a "blighted ovum." I had all the pregnancy symptoms, but no fetus. My doctor recommended that I have a D&C. I agreed. I didn't think I would pass it naturally. I had no signs anytime soon that it would. I just didn't want to feel pregnant anymore and I didn't want to wait. Impatient I know, but it was devastating to have your body feeling pregnant, but with no baby growing in you.

I felt my heart had torn into little pieces.  I truly felt as if I was the worst mother in the world to use my son's birthday party to make the announcement. I was heartbroken. I cried and wept for days. I was embarrassed and ashamed with myself. Holding my baby tight every moment that I could was the best therapy. I am so thankful to God that I have such a beautiful perfect little boy.

When we preregistered at the hospital I found out that having the D&C would cost more than actually having a baby at the hospital. I was crushed again. Another bawling session for me. Luckily even though we told alot of people. We had a terrific support system for us. I couldn't have gone through it with out everyone and especially my incredible husband. We felt the love.

February 19, 2012: I had a D&C done. I was told I couldn't hold my son because he was over the weight limit for me to carry anything. I was depressed. I just wanted to hold my pride and joy. Terrible.

June 18, 2012:  We are pregnant for a 3rd time, but this time with out any fertility help. We were in shock that it actually had happened. We never thought it could. We were excited, but nervous because of what had happen the previous pregnancy. We had one ultrasound he saw something there this time fetal pole, yolk sac, and even a little flicker of a heartbeat. I asked how far along he thought I was about 5 weeks. I was shocked because I thought I was about 7 weeks. Things were just not adding up to me. He wanted us back in 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat. We decided to tell just our parents about the pregnancy until we were in the clear. We missed the 2 week appointment because of bad weather. I was very upset. I wanted to go to our trip with happy news. I had a deep gut feeling something was wrong.

On this date we landed in the Seattle for our week long vacation to see my family and for my stepsister's wedding. I had gone to the restroom and found I was spotting. My heart dropped. This can not be happening again. Something is definitely wrong. This is just your normal spotting. The spotting became heavier and heavier each day. I know deep inside what was probably going to happen.

June 22, 2012: As soon as we got back to my parents we rushed to the ER in Puyallap. The ER doctor performed a pelvic exam. My cervix was closed and didn't see any tissue. Good signs. My levels were high. We were hoping for the best, but didn't have super high hopes. We were preparing ourselves for the worst. We finally got in for an ultrasound after several hours of waiting. This was the longest ultrasound I had every done. I was shaking and trembling because I was cold and extremely anxious. The tech wasn't talking. I knew we were going to get bad news. I finally asked, "Do you see a heartbeat?" She said, "No."

The ultrasound tech left. Mike and I were in the cold room alone. He hugged me and gave me a kiss. Told me he loved me and when I was ready to talk he was there. Also, that I didn't do anything wrong. He loved me so much. I broke down.

The ER doctor told us I was measuring about 7 weeks and a heartbeat could not be found. I should have been at least 10 weeks. All these different numbers with my doctor's and ER's was just running through my mind. I didn't know what to believe.

I've been pregnant twice in 6 months. I've had two failed pregnancies. I felt like a complete failure. The plan was only to be pregnant 3 times to have 3 beautiful children. Not be pregnant 3+ times and have 1 child. I know it wasn't my fault, but how can I be so sure. Maybe my body was working overtime with all the traveling plus I was sick as a dog. Why is this happening again? It was a miracle that we were pregnant this time because we didn't have help. It was the grace of God. This was suppose to work. This was my strong bean. It was going to make it through and be a strong child. Why did it have to end? Why? I actually believe in miracles. Why wasn't this a miracle? This situation just sucked!

June 24, 2012: We decided to go shopping. I felt terrible. My cramping was uncomfortable, but tolerable. I felt very sore and could not walk or stand for a long period of time. Or even a short period of time. We went to lunch and I felt lousy. I started to walk to our car and I felt a gush. I yelled, "I think it is happening." We went straight home. We we got home I went to straight to the restroom. I felt & saw it pass. I physically felt better immediately. The pressure and pain had subsided some. I laid down for a few minutes. I cried that I just lost my baby, my "strong" bean is gone. My hopeful miracle is no more.
Each pregnancy has changed me as a person. Not for the bad, but for the better. With that I've experienced and felt a range of emotions these past 6 months. I've felt happiness, sadness, anger, embarassment, numbess, guilt and love. I truly believe God's does things in our lives for a reason. Even though we don't know why he is doing what he does. It is all part of his plan. I just have to remember that. Although the outcomes did not turn out the way we wanted them to be it could be a lot worse. My heart still hurts and I still feel like a failure at times. I am not going to sugar coat that. It is what it is. I just need to continue to believe it will happen. Our family will grow as God had planned it....his way.

Now I will go enjoy a drink this weekend, eat sushi, and watch my beautiful son grow! Thanks for reading and letting me get this out.